In the summer I had a major dispute with my new boyfriend that rocked me to the core and set me back—actually forced me to confront my shame from my past.
Initially I went into denial—I got angry with him, self-righteous and judged him in an attempt to avoid the truth. Once again I projected a scene that was vaguely familiar from 2 of my previous relationships and my boyfriend was yet another actor.
I “thought” I already healed this…
Heck! I spent countless years in therapy, I wrote my memoir, I was coached via my empowerment training and I even coach women to heal their own pain.
Explaining to them that repeated patterns recreate themselves until it is resolved. Intellectually and intuitively I knew this!
Again, I felt confused and doubted if I was ever going to have healthy, loving, committed relationships with men.
I reverted back to the victim role, one I played all to well. I didn’t trust him, I wanted to end the relationship and I wanted to keep running…
But what if I stopped running and just BE with myself?
Like a river I rode the ebb and flow of the pain—finding myself back and forth between darkness and light—at times I felt exhilarated and other times I experienced a dull ache.
As I navigated these waters, I encountered many contrasts—fear and courage, hate and love, pain and joy, anger and forgiveness, judgement and compassion. Then the floodgates opened up and I arrived with much insight.
It wasn’t about trusting my boyfriend, it was about me trusting myself and believing that I deserve to have a healthy, loving, committed relationship with a man.
I also needed to love myself and be kind to myself for:
- Not getting it “right!”
- Not being “perfect!”
- Not knowing everything!
As I evolved, dismantling core limiting beliefs and fears, my outer world reflected the changes and the pattern was broken finally!
My boyfriend held himself accountable for his thoughts-words-actions.
I held myself accountable for the mess I created.
Most importantly, I reclaimed my power by:
Setting a healthy boundary!
Doing the same thing and expecting different results was not going to change the relationship. So I aligned my words with my actions and learned to say no to the way things were between us.
I detached from a specific outcome instead of forcing things to happen the way I wanted.
Focusing on SELF.
Fixating and obsessing doesn’t change anything, it only keeps us stuck in the problem. So I decided to become a better version of me instead of bitter and I was able to find solutions.
Trusting the process.
There was a reason the lesson presented itself in my relationship. I had to find the pearl of wisdom so that I could move forward in my life.
Many times I wanted to reach out to my boyfriend and fall back in the patterns of avoiding the real issues. So I held space for my pain as long as it took instead of rushing through it.
Strengthening my faith.
I stepped back from the relationship to heal not knowing if we would resume the relationship, but believing that all was working exactly as it should.
No one can outrun their darkness—mistakes, flaws and the messes we create, it’s exhausting! We’re not meant to be “perfect.” We’re meant to be whole and when we embrace our darkness and our light, we find acceptance for SELF.