How often do we take the time to process our emotions when we experience an ending such as a job, relationship, residence or a death of a loved one?
We’ve learned that we must get over something or someone and move on with our lives as quickly as possible. We think we are fine and busily go about making life changes.
But regardless if the ending was our choice, mutual or if it was forced upon us we will experience a range of emotions from fear, anger, guilt, shame, confusion and even relief.
No one is immune to experiencing negative emotions
We can never grieve the loss of a person, job, spouse, residence etc. all at once! It’s like an onion we need to peel back the layers to be fully healed.
When we don’t take the time to connect with our feelings and feel them we hang on tightly to the past—the should have been’s, could have been’s because we want things to be different than it actually is.
Instead of moving forward we return to the same type of job, relationship or residence out of fear.
Familiar comes from the word family
It’s easy to go back to what we know we always like to stay in our comfort zone.
I write about growing up in a dysfunctional family in my memoir Dramaville is not a place; it’s a state of mind and travelling down a self-destructive path to avoid feeling my emotions.
Eventually I discover that I was repeating the pattern of dysfunction in my relationships and unknowingly projecting my pain and trauma because I was not able to deal with my emotions.
Once I stopped trying to escape my pain and honored my feelings by letting go of the stories I was able to accept my reality and break the pattern.
Transitions are an opportunity to grow
For every ending there is a new beginning, except we spend so much time looking back in regret or longing for what was instead of looking ahead at what is.
Our Wounded self is afraid of change and needs to feel safe and secure. If his/her needs are not met he/she will sabotage your health-wealth-relationships to get your attention!
When my clients are in resistance to acknowledging their Wounded self I ask them, “if this were your child who came to you with a wound, would you say no not now?”
Without hesitation they respond no, they would give their child what they need—care, love and kindness.
This is what your Wounded self needs too!
From James Van Praagh’s book Healing Grief, Reclaiming Life After Any Loss he writes, “when you turn the word love around, you get ‘evol’. One must love in order to evolve spiritually.”
If your Wounded self is in charge he/she is living in the past replaying a story of hurt, pain and disappointment. He/she is not feeling loved or giving love, we are acting like victims or martyrs and this is what keeps us stuck and disempowered.
We only evolve into our Real self when we let go of the story by giving our Wounded self a voice. As we acknowledge his/her fears, core limiting beliefs, anxieties or worries via a dialogue from the Real self, we can focus on the solution rather than the problem.
Nurturing takes time and patience
We’re learning to love the Wounded self, the parts that we wish were different, our not so wise choices, and our mistakes. Sometimes this is not easy because we strive to be “perfect” or get it “right.”
But this is simply unattainable!
When we numb our feelings we deny ourselves the ability to cope. If this were your child would you give him/her a chocolate bar to ease his/her pain?
I can attest that it takes a lot of courage to feel your feelings but regardless of your past, you are worthy of unconditional love and an amazing life.
Awakening to your truth
A loss occurs when you are no longer in your personal integrity—your values and identity changed and it’s simply time to move forward and create new experiences.
By managing your emotions and consistently dialoguing with the Wounded self you are able to progress along the path that is right for you.
I want to hear from you!
Do you feel resistance when your life is disrupted by a loss?